We, as moms, do not discuss the loneliness in motherhood enough. Which is shocking considering that according to recent research, over 90% of mothers say they are lonely. I believe it too. I feel the same at times.

As moms, we can anticipate many things; loneliness isn’t one of them. We are never alone, so how can we be lonely? In my experience, it results from three things colliding:

• What you thought motherhood would be like.
• What do you believe motherhood should be like.
• What motherhood is really like.

When those three collide, we get the grey area that is the loneliness of motherhood. It is grief and acceptance all rolled into one. But even then, it can be so hard to explain.

Every woman growing up has an idea of what they think motherhood will look like from her mom, reading books, watching movies, social media or a combination of all the above. Regardless of where your idea of motherhood came from, chances are your experiences as a mother are vastly different from what you thought it would be like. And when that happens, you then may find yourself raving and ranting about what motherhood should be like. Or at least buying in to what others say it should be. It’s a whole snowball effect.

If you’ve ever caught yourself sitting in disappointment over the reality of the situation, know that you are not alone. I think these thoughts too and in my opinion, it is natural. You’re allow to not like every single detail but still say you loved it all as a whole. You’re allowed to admit that your reality could be different then the dream. You’re allowed to speak on it too. Vent about it and get it off your heart. You’re allowed to be honest about where you are so that way you can see what you have.

And that’s when we dive into what motherhood is like. Motherhood is different for all of us. Whether you stay home, work from home, or work outside the home, being a mom is the most challenging job ever. There will be moments when you find yourself loving it, and you feel so confident in your decisions. On the other side, there will be times when you doubt yourself and wonder who decided you could be a mom. (Seriously, who the heck did they let me just leave a hospital with 3 whole humans?) But I can promise you one thing: you are the perfect mom for your child. You are enough for them and always will be.

While I am still navigating this myself, my best advice to minimize those lonely moments is this:

• Do away with what you thought motherhood would be like. Share your grief over the expectations so that you can let them go.
• Do away with what you think motherhood should be like. Filter your feed and life. Unfollow accounts that don’t embrace both sides of the coin. Set boundaries with others in your life who might make you second guess. And remember, we all are doing this our own way. Everyone’s way is the better way.
• EMBRACE what motherhood is. Be more vocal; share the good and the bad. Voice it all and in doing so, see who comes in to listen. Not everyone will be able to though. That is a portion you have to aware of. Some have trouble seeing that grey, especially if they’ve been trained to only see black & white. But the people who can see the grey will be your safe spots to land. Those will be your people.
• And lastly, thank that loneliness. It is portion of you that wants to push you out of your comfort zone. It is the part of you that is screaming for change. It is a necessary evil that can be your best friend and motivator if you allow it. Sit with that loneliness. Get to know it and then ask it what it needs. What you need. And then put that answer into action. It may take time but eventually your head will break the surface and you’ll be able to breath a bit easier.

So for all my lonely moms, I get it. It comes in waves and I think it always will. Because life isn’t stagnant. Motherhood isn’t stagnant. Changes will continue to come and phases will appear. And those moments are the ones that will make you want to waiver and doubt. That’s okay! Listen to it. Sit with it and know that no matter what, there are 90% of other mothers with you in it. It just doesn’t feel that way because we just aren’t talking about it. But hopefully that changes today.

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