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The (not so very) Sexy Side to Pregnancy

November 6, 2017

There are a lot of things that happen to you while your pregnant. I MEAN A LOT! Many of them you may already have heard from friends or family or have read in books/online (like the sore boobs, nausea, and the pregnancy glow). However, you’d be surprised that among the influx of information you will get when you find out your pregnant, there are so many things that everyone seems to always forgets to mention. The little things that mamas either forgot about or were too embarrassed to discuss. Well lucky for you ladies (and possible gents?), I am not shy and in keeping that spirit in mind, wanted to write this post. Why? Well because as with anything, you can’t discuss the good and the bad, without mentioning the plain ole ugly. AND I MEAN UGLY.

{PLEASE NOTE: This is written entirely from my experience in pregnancy. If you had a different experience, I’d love (and I’m sure other mamas out there) to hear about them in the comments!}

  • Some women will complain of having morning sickness in terms of throwing up, while others instead get morning sickness in a far worse way: AKA the shits. I myself was included in this statistic and while I was happy to not have my head in the toilet, I didn’t particularly like being trapped in the bathroom for a different reason either. Worst part about this was there is no discretion when it comes to diarrhea. At least with throwing up you can carry about a plastic bag or something. Diarrhea, yeah a plastic bag just won’t cut it. Its best to just accept that pooping your pants becomes a very real possibility on the daily.
  • And while we are on the subject of bodily fluids, you will most likely pee yourself too. Sneezing, coughing, laughing. Yep, get ready for a little drippage.
  • Oh and you can’t forget about the discharge….yeah I won’t elaborate but just know that it gets to be ridiculous, excessive and just disgusting at times. However, its also also completely normal and happens to pretty much all pregnant women so prepare yourself…and your underwear.
  • You will realize how you took the tiniest things for granted, like seeing your vagina. I miss mine. I know she (I guess it’s a she, right?) is there but I can’t see her with this big old belly in the way. So as you can imagine, self grooming will get quite interesting and a little scary. Its like shaving with your eyes closed….a terrifying concept that I would not recommend doing. Especially in your nether regions.
  • Sex will get really interesting but also a lot more fun. At least it’s been fun for me. I personally am immature and like to I throw out a quote or two from Austin Power’s character, Fat Bastard. Not sure my husband appreciates it or would at all say its attractive but I crack myself up so whatever! tenor.gif
  • Hemorrhoids. Yeah so I thought you only got these when you were pushing the baby out. I mean, that is understandable. But nope, not correct. You just get them randomly. One day your fine and then the next it’s “holy hell what the heck is on my butthole?!?”
  • Your nipples will freak you out.  Or at least mine did and still do. They become huge, dark and just plain old freaky. Plus something about the fact that milk will soon be coming out of them makes me feel much more in tune with the animal kingdom and that itself is hard to wrap my mind around.
  • The “F” Word will become your life. And no I don’t mean f**k. I am referring to a completely different “F” word. Fart (sorry mom). Now while my husband has no shame and does this very often in front of me, I NEVER return the favor. I like to be discreet with this part of my relationship. I even still continue to run the sink when I’m going to the bathroom even though he knows fully well what I’m doing. I can’t help it! However, being pregnant, as I’ve mentioned above, has definitely challenged my modesty. Sometimes you just can’t control things, farts being one of them. Bending down? Yep, pretty much all bets are off so its best to not stand behind me 🙂
  • “Moley, moley, moley.” Yes another Austin Power’s quote but in all seriousness, get ready for those little freckles you have to no longer stay cute. Why, well your belly won’t be the only thing growing during the next 9 months. For some women, including myself, you will find that those little moles and freckles you once thought were adorable will turn into anything but. They will grow and pretty much take on a life of their own. Trust me, before I knew this happened, I made an emergency appointment at the dermatologist in near tears thinking that I had skin cancer. Luckily, I was reassured that this is actually a quite common symptom of pregnancy. I had no clue and I felt like an ass. 59D70nl.gif
  • Pregnancy brain is real and will make you feel like an idiot. I always thought this was just a saying but NOPE, its a for sure thing. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve turned around when driving to double check that my straightener was unplugged, accidentally locked myself out of the house or heck there was even a time I went to work with no undies on (thank God I didn’t forget pants either or that would have made for an interesting day). On a positive side, I guess this gives my husband a good preview of what I’ll be like I’m all old,wrinkled and suffering from dementia.
  • Loosening up takes on a whole new meaning. Relaxin is one hell of a hormone that will make you feel like a yoga guru while you’re pregnant. Helping your hips and rib cage expand to help support and birth a baby, this hormone is introduced for a great reason. However, it unfortunately doesn’t only affect your limbs. For myself specifically, my teeth are suffering the rath of this wonderful hormone. They now wiggle like they did back in elementary school. It is an absolutely terrifying feeling. Seriously, I have had a few instances where I’ve woken up from dreams where I’m in labor looking like a toothless hillbilly. It was NOT pretty!
  • Your teeth won’t be the only thing taking a beating, say hello to bleeding gums. Regardless of if you are a serial flosser, your gums will hate you. The best way to deal with this is paying a visit to your dentist during your pregnancy. This is always the last place I ever want to go but with wiggly teeth and bleeding gums, I had to force myself.
  • You’ll cry about nothing and also everything at the same time. I’ve touched upon this subject in a past post, but I wanted to rehash it one more time. If you are like me, who already has the potential of being a basket case even before pregnancy, then you are in for quite a treat. To be safe, warn your significant other of this possibility. They will want to know when to tread lightly.
  • Acne isn’t just for your teen years. Nope, instead pregnancy will like to drudge this time up again. Luckily for me, it lasted only in the first trimester and then went away. They say that is the result of me having a girl but who knows if that is true. To be safe, invest in a good concealer.
  • Your belly will itch like a mother. Oh and so will the rest of your body. We can thank those wonderful pregnancy hormones, weight gain and skin stretching for this. HOWEVER, DO NOT SCRATCH! Not only will you scratch to no avail but I was told that itching the belly can lead to stretch marks. Not sure if that is true but why risk it?
  • Rib pain is no joke. Towards the end of your pregnancy, you will most certainly feel those wonderful baby kicks, punches and hiccups. However, unfortunately your baby will start to run out of room and begin taking those kicks out on anything around them. My baby girl in particular loves kicking my ribs. So not only do I feel like a walking beach ball but I at times feel like I’ve just survived a massive beating. Now I understand why pregnant women at the end seem like they are in pain, its because they most likely are.

So do I have you itching to get pregnant yet? All jokes aside, despite all the above, I hope you still are looking forward to this time in your life. Sure, this time for me personally has been quite new and strange at times. However, it has been HANDS DOWN the most wonderful time of my life. I know there are women out there who just don’t like being pregnant and that is A-OKAY. Not everyone does. I’m certainly not one of those ladies but I think one of the reasons why that is the case is that I have come to laugh at the ridiculousness of it all. I have come to the acceptance of knowing that my body is no longer my own. It belongs to my baby now and if that means I let out a loud fart or two along that way, then so be it. This perfect little person makes it all worth it: the good, the bad, and yes, even the plain old ugly.


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